Watering pavements

You know it's going to be a good day when the first door handle you turn comes off in your hand.

It's 7am on a Sunday and I'm sitting on a milk crate out the front of a 7/11 being the obstruction which causes the automatic doors to periodically open and close :) I'm sure I look quite fancy but the milk crate is keeping my ego in check.

Sydney was quiet 15 mins ago but it's now kicking into gear and I have had to retreat into the shop to avoid being blasted by a road sweeper with a young man and power hose trailing behind. It looks like so much fun watering pavements.

I've been reasonably clumsy already today and have only been awake for 3 hours. Balancing coffees and paperwork and dropping things in the street. When I bought my gorgeous coffee (man she was a good barista) I managed to drop all my loose change on the ground. She smiled sweetly and we had a "moment", both good natured sleepyheads :). A friendly happy female barista working on a Sunday, elusive yet endearing creatures.

A friend has just text to say theres an albatross in his sink, I might have to make a dash across town to assist. This is what happens when most of your mates work in conservation ;) Sleepy Sunday morning imagination is boundless and makes me giggle. He's heading in to help me balance more coffee cups.

I just got locked in a mail room, not an entirely unpleasant experience but would have been a little inconvenient considering I'm working. For anyone who remembers the Crystal Maze it felt like I was on a challenge and half expected a team mate to open a small peaky hole in the door yelling encouragement for me to find my way out. I had visions of being there all day amongst the letters but managed to find the right door, the um one I entered through xo

Ok three men have just walked past me with a shopping trolley full of stationery, the third pushing an office wheelie chair. Too blatant to be an office works robbery surely...

Have a fabulous Sunday folks :-D

Poodlemania

There happen to be some Knights in my life. Those who make life bearable when you're not sure how much more you can take. I am very fortunate to have a selection of Knights both male and female and I believe that without them telling me I will be ok I may well not have been. They come in all shapes and sizes and from different areas of the planet. I have those who are very faraway but give me advice like "pull yer knickers up, have a shot of brandy and get on with it, no one's gonna do it for you gal" and those who are able to hug me and say "it's ok to feel utterly exhausted but you are you and you will be ok".

This is the magic I cannot ever take for granted. I like to think I provide the same support to them but I think they sparkle in the light and for this I am truly grateful that I met them.

So I have a lump in my throat. I am told it's an enlarged tonsil. I have had it now for over a week so I visited the doctor who promptly and slightly disinterestedly (It wasn't covered in infection and I wasn't passing out, maybe I should have said I had chest pains) told me there is nothing they can do and it could take up to 6 weeks to subside, deflate, get smaller. Amazingly I didn't ask what caused this, I was so enthusiastic to leave after a $60 consultation which told me nothing I almost ran out of the building. This is my practical side of course, the sensible part that is missing from my brain. I am not too worried about all this except for the fact that today I am finding it slightly difficult to swallow but I feel it's over-rated to be able to eat comfortably anyway or at all in fact. I long for the days when I simply need an injection once a month to stock me up for 28 days of nutrition. I jest of course. I may seek a second opinion but am loathe to pay another $60 for the same diagnosis as this bored GP delivered. I believe red wine is the answer, I think it deserves a mention at least once a blog :-)

My Alien cat is back at the vet and the $60 for the lumpy throat "diagnosis encore" has been allocated to him this week. He is not healing and therefore must have a second operation to re-stitch him. Of course along with this comes countless episodes of CAT-er-whaling, mad dashes around the house chasing shadows, paws on faces, ankle biting and scratching on furniture I don't own. When my Vinny alien is in a bad mood (caused by hunger or denial of exit) he saunters up to me seductively, rubs himself on my legs giving me an extreme false sense of security and then bites me very hard to show his absolute disgust and insistence that the situation be corrected. If I get up and walk around my flat when he is in one of these moods he launches after me attacking my legs. I can't help but laugh. I do believe my friend is right when he says Vinny IS going to take over the World and Black Poodles WILL make it into the equation. He has a spaceship somewhere and he's not afraid to use it. One day it will show up and collect him and that will be the last day of Earth as we know it.  The only safe ones will be Poodles, himself and Phoebe dog AKA Madame Phoeboir Hoover. I do believe they are in some kind of relationship, they brazenly and shamelessly fall asleep together constantly.

Ironically I don't think I will be safe at the end of days (Poodlemania). Vinny obviously wants me alive as I take such good care of him but the Alien brethren probably won't permit it. Until it happens I can rely on the same friend to text me randomly telling me he has met a black poodle on the pavement and he doesn't know what to do. I generally tell him to "RUN!!!". Be afraid, be very afraid...

The little engine that could

My car broke down on Saturday after a very hard day working my little butt off to earn a crust. It was 10pm and my Knight in shining tracky pants (shining?) was sitting next to me in said vehicle chuckling to himself. Thanks mate :-).  Got home at midnight stopping ont way to purchase Hazelnut Choc and Pizza shapes (the wine was already back at the house). Strange experience, a young girl looking at me through a gap in a small window using sign language to tell me "NO, WE HAVE NOOOO PRINGLES".."SORRRY, DO YOU HAVE NONE?", "NO, NO PRINGLES" "AH THEN PIZZA SHAPES?" "YES YES"  then she promptly went off like a food valet and got me my junk. Debiting my account through a little trench like metal ski slope counter thingy and snatching the little machine back before I had a chance to grab her hand and pull her through the bullet proof window... is Mona Vale really that dangerous at 11pm on a Saturday? I imagine all the frivolity and trouble would be INSIDE until about midnight when it pours out on to the street.

So my wages went to the burly NRMA guy who was very business-like and to the point. He should have had "No messing" tattoo'd on his forehead. 7 feet tall and built like a very sturdy building, he made me feel strangely and very hastily "saved" :-) Saved from myself was the way he approached me, I think he expected my high beams, radio and air con to be on and exclaim "and you thought your lil battery would be ok with that?". However, they were not and I am still baffled as to why there was a distinct lack of power for the little engine that could is purring along happily 4 days later.

Getting home was a little bit of a haze. My friend I am certain was enchanted by my very loud sing song to Kelly Clarkson (it was on the radio, calm down) with the windows down to maintain a wakeful state. The three creatures went mildly insane when we got in bounding and tap dancing around the kitchen. We still maintain Phoebe should have tap shoes on as she'd make an absolute killing down at Circular Quay and really isn't it time they "gave back" to their mum for all the vet bills, food, denta-bones and endless walking :-)

We sat down and demolished the wine, shapes and chocolate, then I tiptoed off to my bed and collapsed in a heap of creatures (they go where I go).

There is more I hear you say? Absolutely, this a splendid tale of upheaval, exhaustion, frustration and indulgence. I woke up at 6.30am with a meowing Siamese very close to my face. My Alien cat has a very strong pair of lungs with an ability to maintain meows for many hours with no interval. I fed him to shut him up (an act which is becoming increasingly disturbing as he gets more rotund). The other two creatures, excited at a brand new day naturally wished to visit the courtyard so they were granted exit. Bleary eyed and shell-shocked from the events the day before, I didn't notice the Alien slip past me and out. Now if you've read previous posts, you will know that he has stitches. He is not permitted exit at present, code red, stumbling around ,dollar signs flashing before my eyes, I ran after him around the courtyard in my smalls, managed to grab him and turned around just in time to watch my front door slam shut...the Alien cat has now cost me a fortune, made me work harder and locked me out of my flat in my underwear at 7am. Vinny cat, oh how I love thee.

No windows were open, this is because I am a girl who lives alone and needs some security ( I say alone, I'm never REALLY alone in my house).I began rapping (gently tapping, love that poem) on the door, windows, grappling with a wriggling, very impatient moggy, circling the entire building and wondering if one of my neighbours may catch me and make my day even more interesting and diverse. At this point my friend who had stayed after the junk food and wine emerged from the spare room and opened my lovely old rustic front door. He immediately congratulated me on yet another moment of mayhem....grinning but cursing lightly under my breath I wandered off back to bed...

Next week I'm taking Vinny back to the vet for the fourth time, they really like him...

Apple Crumble

"No you have to plug in the keyboard" My laptop doesn't work properly, I spilt red wine on it nearly a year and a half ago and so it has all kinds of trouble with ..um...well..functioning.... So you can't use the keyboard but I do have an external one. I used to have an Apple one to match the lil mac donated generously by a nice housemate/landlord but I broke it, I believe possibly with more wine. I don't like wasting wine. Especially crumbling Apple products before my eyes.

Shortly after that incident, having acquired the crappy keyboard I managed to drop my iPhone 3 in the toilet. Frantically trying to switch it on whilst still moist I'm told is what REALLY broke it. Not being totally submerged in water. Moist is an uncomfortable word isn't it? Apt for this situation I feel. Next time I'll do the unlikely thing and put it in a box of rice for 24 hours or maybe put banana peel and orange peel in the box with it and seal it (no hang on, that's tea).

So watching "Amelie" on my laptop t'other night with a friend proved a source of frustration and now in reflection a great source of hilarity for me :-) My boss from my second job bought me an iTunes voucher for Christmas. Terribly nice of them and so I bought Amelie.

I plugged the laptop in. Oh did I not mention that you have to plug it in because otherwise it doesn't work. The battery is out of battery. Then I tried to start the movie. Failure to launch spectacularly stating that there was an iTunes fatal error. Luckily I had an IT savvy youngster with me who proclaimed "You have Quicktime" you can play it on that, just right click on the file"...Um you can't right click on my Mac because the little finger swipey pad thingey doesn't work.............errrrrm...........

I stared at it for a few minutes (it's the same stare as when you get home with a kit from IKEA to assemble a piece of furniture) .Ah! Eureka! Go to file and click on it and "Play with"...we have lift off! I'm a bit tired and so are you but we wanted to watch it so here we go...

I love my dogs so very much but my collie does have explosions of minor panic and does occasionally run through my room to find his "safe corner" to my right. A beautiful yet very neurotic dog whom I have boundless patience and affection for. So the credits are finally rolling and I settle back into a comfy position to watch this fabulous film and he decides the world is a dangerous and entirely frightening place, goes to his safety corner and pulls the plug out...you remember the 'puter doesn't work like that...blackness. I tell him everything is going to be ok.

Looking at each other with utter sleepy resignation that I have a beautiful Mac which I have managed to completely screw up in almost every way possible and I plugged it back in,waited ten minutes for it to make that hopeful Apple opening sound, saw it wake up, closed Skype (I have inadvertently set Skype up to open on start, I REALLY don't want it to but I don't know how to fix it) and opened up Finder, Library, iTunes, Music, Movies, Amelie phew!

Pressed File, Quicktime, pressed PLAY and promptly fell asleep...

Superhero

I trapped my hand in the car door this morning...
I have a throat infection and I trapped my hand in the car door...
One of my best friend's is going to live in Mexico for six months, I have a throat infection and I trapped my hand in the car door.....
My gorgeous friend is going to study Marine Biology and save the World, my throat feels slightly better than yesterday and my fingers aren't broken :-)

To a Superhero who will put an end to the end of days (as we know them)

Identify a perfect sky
You wrap me up and say goodbye
I hold you tight, the sun appears
As if your smile is what steers it

I'll be thinking of your heart
Your gentle soul and careful art
of making things simple and perfect
as I'm alone I will reflect

On times with you around my world
how our paths crossed and fate unfurled
and you with all your magic live
have depth of mind and much to give

My friend be safe and beam
at least one time every day
You're in my heart
and that's where you'll forever stay




It's hard letting people go but when someone comes in they may be there momentarily or for a lifetime. I feel very lucky and hey, I can always Skype to tell people my hand hurts, my throat's sore and to get an update on the progress of the Universe :-)

Gherkins arent carnivorous

So I'm sitting in the rather large park on Elizabeth st, the name of which ludicrously escapes me, I want to say Hyde? It keeps bringing me back to Londinion however so I doubt my own memory. Anyway(s) I'm leaning against a tree listening to Ed sheeran thinking about the last two days. I just tried to write there's and it turned into Gherkin somehow. Turning "there's an ibis" into "gherkins an ibis", immediately I am writing a story in my head about an ibis called gherkin.
Now earlier today I was with a mate who was chastised in school for calling coniferous forests "carnivorous forests" . Guffaw? Did I! So set the scene, in a volatile carnivorous forest where everything's on the menu, wanders a young ibis called gherkin. A stumble making obstacle lies in his way. What's this? A recipe book for 'one pot' vegetarian meals? Gosh where on this crazy lil planet did this materialize from? Obviously someone's mum sent it with nothing but good intentions. My mum sent me a recipe book.

I burst into tears when I opened it, well girls love their mums :) and mine is particularly cuddly and kind so I cried. However, the realization that my mum had sent me a "spinster special" dawned and I giggled all the way home x Mum! You are awesome and I love you!!

I digress and who really knows what from or where I was anyway? I certainly don't know :)

Ah yes gherkin the ibis. There's another part to this. Earlier I proclaimed that I ride bicycle helmets. You see where I went wrong. However let's slot this into the carnivorous forest with gherkin. He's riding a bicycle helmet ( they kind of glide around) and he's got a "spinster special in his..... wing?" UNDER his wing, tucked under his wing :) . He has to deliver the book to the girl on the hill with the three creatures before she starves to death! Crikey, this is how fables begin ;) hehehe

Happy happy Sunday xo

My Teeth Hurt

My teeth hurt...but it can wait. My three creatures need dentals and hip ops and any number of stitches as my triangular faced Alien-esque Cat keeps getting into scrape after scrape and I hold on clucking like a mother hen.

My life is a comedy of my own creation. I find feigning amnesia an excellent coping strategy. I found a great red wine which from Dan Murphy's is just $7! Ridiculed mildly by a good friend, it actually wasn't a split second decision. I researched the Vineyard prior to purchase so I know it isn't cask quality. This wine is a good way of obtaining a little amnesiacal ( not a word but am going with it) state. If I won lotto I'd still buy it.

I dare n't "do" the lotto however, in case my previously prospective life partner gets half of it. Wouldn't that be just peachy: "Well yes you have helped to put me in a near impossible financial situation which I now find myself able to get out of but instead of doing that entirely I give you $10,000 of my $20,000 winnings to do with as you will with my blessings (BIG SMILE)"

So my teeth will wait, meanwhile I'll drink wine with too much sugar in it and eat dark chocolate orange until they fall out, problem solved...

My Alien-esque creature cat has spent the last 4 months testing my abilities of financial structuring. He is and will remain until the day he passes this mortal coil, a confrontational arse. He seeks out other people's lovely relaxed pet moggies and turns them into shrieking, hissing, clawing, damaging banshees. He attempts to bully them and comes home with rather grotesque war wounds which I then have to get sewn up by professionals who cost the Earth. This has turned into a rather ludicrous cycle. The thing is, I made the decision to adopt him and I will honour that. Abandoned by his owners at the vet with both back legs broken from a collision with a car, he had nowhere to belong.

The truth is he does belong with me, no one else would put up with him.

"Near blind aggressive Siamese who wakes you at 5am with a tapping paw on your face (claws in) and a liking for jumping onto objects he knows he shouldn't to seek attention creating high noise levels and breaking sentimental ornaments. An appetite which is so out of control he is beginning to get a belly and a voice that challenges the dulcet tones of the Sulphur Crested Cockatoos outside my bedroom window."

A very close friend of mine believes he and all Black poodles are in cahoots and they are destined to take over the world. I think this may well be true. I'm keeping one eye on him and another eye on my iPhone. No opposable thumbs is certainly no reason not to be nervous.

Sydney Bubbles

I was working last night. I stood on Kent St in this city I have fallen in love with watching people come and go. I stand outside and imagine I am going to be privy to a UFO sighting or a celebrity will suddenly appear and ask me out to dinner. Better still that maybe some movie star of old will re-appear just for me and dance me around a lamp post. I did see an archway leading to a private building which had "since I left you" on it in wrought iron...I have since found that it's a modern bar but in that moment I was transported to another place in a bubble where I have left my husband and this is where I was meant to live now....

A guy turned the corner with his whole life in and surrounding a shopping trolley. I see him every Sunday now. On the path to wherever he sleeps. It was a fleeting moment. I haven't really thought about it since. I did see him the week before on Mardi Gras night sitting and staring and I wondered what his life is like.

This blog isn't really about that actually. I just thought it was worth mentioning.

So a friend of mine was encouraging me to make an attempt at communicating my comedy of a life by blogging about it. It seems I do humour much more effectively than I do solemn or somber :-) So here goes nowt people!

Am off to do some funny writing...