Validity of self doubt

So it occurs to me today that the last two blogs are very positive. I love them. I have just re-read them and they make perfect sense. It's just I don't feel them today. The flip side of the coin, the difficult days. The times when you feel just a little bit sad and you need a hug. It's all very simplistic.


Today I feel less confident in myself, I feel I am questioning myself a lot. I don't enjoy it but I feel it is actually necessary. I read those previous blogs back and the peppiness is irritating if you are having a bad day. Made me laugh at myself. However, also gives me hope because those heady days where positivty rules are blindlingly sunny even when it's pouring with rain :D


Today I want a gent to say to me "May I have this dance?" or someone to give me free fudge on a street corner, just to renew my sense of magic in the World.


So the point of the blog today is to ask the question "How valid are the bad days?". I would say my bad days keep me grounded and make me realise that maybe I need to keep an understanding of the journey that I am on and that I am only touching on knowledge of self, I don't have all the answers.


My understanding of my own emotions is something I am extremely proud of but it does have it's limitations. The bad day is there to remind me of these limitations. After all we as humans use 100% of the function of our brains but we don't all realise the true potential of what our brains can do. It makes me wonder if tomorrow I could learn to bend spoons if I concentrate really hard. Hey I could find out what material they use to print the dollar bills in Aus on and train my body to become a magnetic force for that material......then I might take a trip to Thailand to meet another like-minded individual ;) or maybe go and see my family in the UK.


Just discussing what our brains can do is already making me feel better. Self-doubt makes me stop my mind a little. It makes me freeze in time like if I step this way or that I might make the wrong decision so it is best to stay perfectly still. The un-moving statue of confusion. Thinking of the bigger picture, standing outside and staring at the sky or thinking about the Big Bang Theory (no, not the TV programme, thanks America) makes me feel a whole lot better. So I guess the message I can take from my own mind's wanderings today is that if I can remain grounded even in the face of a good day, I may not get so many bad ones? Hmmm, I don't know if that's accurate. That might stop me dreaming so much and Yoda knows I do love a good dream :)


One thing is for sure, there is construction of self in self doubt. It's a hurdle you can overcome and if we all knew everything all the time the World would be a very boring place ;)

Remembering the fire

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a longing and it happens most when I am impressed by something, when I am in awe of something wonderful. I have a desire, a fire if you will, and it keeps me smiling :D

On a daily basis I am in awe of things and I think the most amazing fact about life for me is that you can see something special every minute if you really look.

I go to the shops, Coles...but I go in Newport because I feel like I am on holiday while I am there as it's right by the sea. Granted, I am lucky enough to live in one of the most beautiful countries in the World but now I feel it's an attitude I am beginning to enjoy having.

So this fire which hasn't yet been extinguished in my now almost 32 years on this Planet knows no bounds. I think I can really do anything I want to if I want it enough. This idea was magically and very beautifully placed in my brain by David & Shirley Ann, my loving parents, and they still maintain it, along with their new partners, who also believe in the power of self-belief. The main point about the fire is that you maintain it yourself. It doesn't actually ever go out. You can be bashed in the head by life but it is still flickering, even if you can't feel the warmth. There's an ember there or maybe even a small flame still there waiting for you to remember it.

I have been through testing times, times where I wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and fade away but it was still there. I am going to do "my thing", maintain "my MOJO" and be everything I can be. Dream your dreams and dream BIG! The possibilities are endless...

My greatest wish when I was in my teens and early 20's was to be "comfortable in my own skin". The concept was so alien to me then that I never thought I would reach it. That feeling when you actually genuinely like yourself and you believe in yourself. I am only in the last 12 months starting to really get it. It's such a secure place. I absolutely adore it. When I was younger, I would trip over my words in social situations, on some occasions behave erratically and run from rooms crying, so unsure of who I was. I believe everyone has equal capabilities, when you begin to see it, it's fantastical (if that isn't a word, it should be).

Don't get me wrong I haven't actually got there yet. I am still travelling to it, as I believe I always will be, but as I go along the way it all gets a little lighter. Life's miniature bumps don't seem so hard if you think about them one at a time and don't ever take them personally because let's face it, if you are behaving in a manner that runs perfectly alongside your morals and values you are maintaining truth in your life.

Oh and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it, who the hell put them in charge anyway :D

Moments

I have been saying something in my head recently and for some reason it makes me smile. I have even mentioned it in passing to a few friends and always get the same responses, it seems to make them smile too. it isn't a particularly positive thought but it's one which gives hope it seems. It's the concept that life is a journey and there are destinations along the way but that the journey is actually more fun than getting there. The actual thought which makes me smile and was so eloquently put by my old dad the other day when quoting another author on my rather active facebook account is this:

"It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive"

I am, at present, travelling hopefully. It takes all the pressure off the past or the future, it actually makes me happier inside the realisation that it actually is ok being in the moment, dreaming of a guy who treats me like Jimmy Stewart treats Donna Reed in that wonderful movie. Dreaming of a little cottage by the sea or just enjoying a night sky with no expectations of when the next starry night might be.

You may think I am contradicting myself here, saying I am happy in the moment but am dreaming of what could be? That's my point. I used to dream and pine for these things and get sad because I didnt have them. Now I look up at the sky and enjoy it, right there. I walk to the Ocean, breathe in and actually feel every breath I take while I look out to sea at a Summer storm over the waves and I'm THERE but I can still dream and think about my cottage and I don't get sad because the moment is what matters.

I really truly do believe that the pursuit of happiness is actually better sometimes. It comforts me and lets me stand still for a minute and smell the rain on the tarmac, listen to the sea at 4am thinking about someone special or play with my dogs on the beach and giggle because Zundy has Phoebe's head in his mouth :) For some crazy reason this Bird is happier now because I know am not finished than when I am concerned with whats next.....the road is fun :)