I read an article prompted by a nice gent on Twitter. Predominantly about depression it briefly sighted sufferance of OCD. I loved the article. For just one second I felt mortified that I hadn't put words to the horror story in MY head.
It's been named "The Secret Illness" because oftentimes people who suffer with it are ashamed. The version which will be utmost in your mind right now is the physical washing of hands, the turning light switches on and off, the "don't step on a crack" version.
I look at this in three stages:
1. Obsessive thought - My hands are dirty
2. Compulsion to relieve obsession - Washing of hands a monitored number of times
3. Relief
However, my OCD works like this:
1. Obsessive thought which is so entirely repugnant I cannot go to 2.
2. the Compulsion is out of the question
3. No relief, I have to work through the high level anxiety until it subsides, this can take hours, days or weeks.
Doctors say that serotonin which gives us rationale is low in OCD patients, therefore the irrational suddenly becomes plausible. You KNOW it isn't real but your little devil on the shoulder in your mind is jumping up and down playing trampoline with your poor head. This is entirely exhausting.
I remember the exact moment when I first met the devil. I will not be giving devil a capital letter, he is unworthy, unloved and I like to poke and laugh at him wherever possible. I was sitting at my desk at work and a colleague had brought his children in to say hello. I was chatting and smiling at the kids, laughing at the cute-ness feeling like me, feeling normal, ha "normal", when a fleeting thought passed through my brain and got entirely stuck.
Stuck stuck, huh why is it not passing through?
It's not going anywhere, no it's not real tho, is it? It's not, is it??
Oh God is it??....repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat......
oh god I can't let it go, oh god oh god oh god,
what's happening to me? What's WRONG with me? Please stop , just stop, PLEASE.
I ran outside and leaned over a railing breathing in panicked gasps trying to get some air, gulping and pleading with my own head to stop, stop, I'll do anything if you just go away...but the little devil was just getting started...jumping up and down playing with my head, twanging all the unwelcome chords. Creating darkness so entirely absolute that I very quickly got shrowded in a heavy blanket of nausea which had no conclusion to it. No end in sight. Blind panic in the dark.
You can't run from yourself little Carla, you're a HORRIBLE PERSON. A silent scream from deep inside me as my worst fears were confirmed : You are not worthy of anything ever.
10 years ago this month of May was the most terrifying day of my life and whilst writing right now I still dissolve into frightened tears.
The reason it was so entirely terrifying is because I did not understand it, I had not heard of it and emotionally I liken it now to being punched in the face over and over. You try and reason with the bully but get nowhere and every time you manage to get on your feet, you get smashed again.
I was admitted to a psyche ward. I was 23. I hadn't slept for days, waves of anxiety causing me to shake intermittently. I sat peering through tired red eyes and unbrushed long blonde hair at the receptionist. A totally unwilling patient more frightened of herself than the unfamilar surroundings. An Angel (capital letter) sat by my side and didn't waver, my fiance at the time. I kept telling him to leave me there as he should find someone more worthy of his pureness of heart, I wasn't the 'good one' we both thought, I had discovered the real me and she wasn't good. He never listened once.
They gave me anti-psychotics then, moreso to give me a rest from my own head. I was an in-patient for 3 weeks and in that time I began to learn about my illness, the more I learned, the more I understood and the more I understood the less I panicked. I have a beautiful story about the first time I went back out into the "real world". My brother flew into Sydney from Melbourne so he could cuddle his "ickle sis" and reassure my mum and dad and my other brother in the UK that I was fighting the good fight. He walked into my room and I absolutely broke my heart because he immediately triggered my OCD and it was like someone stuck a knife in my stomach. The pain of a loved one having that effect on you is excruciating. I learnt that day to LET IT BE, you have to let it wash over you because trying to control or stop it will take you to a whole other level of panic. "Let it be", the Beatles song helps too :)
Well my beautiful story takes place in a restaurant not far from the hospital. Me and my brother and fiance went for dinner. As I was tea total I was ordered an apple and mint juice, absolutely delicious and still my R & R drink of choice. We ordered food and my brother declared we should celebrate the fact that I wasn't completely mad, just slightly. He ordered a pitcher of water and three glasses and there at the long table, with our noodles, juice and beer for the boys, we three, directed by my gorgeous brother, did celebratory "water shots", I laughed my lil arse off for the first time in weeks :-D. I want to thank you Simon for giving me a memory which serves me well whenever I go through bad spells. You will never fully comprehend how much I love and look up to you. I think I only began true recovery after that meal.
Whilst hospitalised briefly and on meds also briefly, I think the understanding of this "anxiety disorder" is key to living with it. I say living with it as I have it every single day but am able to let the thoughts be there without having a panic attack ( I am medication free). The way I do this is to depict these thoughts as a small gremlin (devil) sitting on my shoulder trying to trick me and i sometimes even tell him to Fuck off. Hey if it helps, do it.
I also remember that all of these thoughts which I find so abhorent are abhorent to me because I am GOOD, I'm a fabulous person, I LOVE LAUGH, LIVE every day and I will not apologise to anyone for who I am. Slowly does it, if you have the "secret illness" you may not believe this now but you will x
For the Joe Bloggs on the street reading this and asking what I'm on about, what thoughts? Why isn't she explaining? I won't be typing up the thought topics, they are dark and disturbing and no one needs them in their heads. They are simply a product of low serotonin and lack of self confidence and in my case have been there since childhood,( I believe I was 3 when I first showed symptoms but the shit didn't hit the fan until 20 years later). However, to give you an idea, think of the worst thing you can think of yourself...then make it seem plausible and start believing it.
So to help all those who suffer silently,those who walk calmly out of offices to gasp and panic alone in the ladies loo, sit on buses wanting to scream but remain composed until home, then dissolve onto the kitchen floor in tears, those who don't go to work for fear of triggering symptoms and those who cannot read, watch TV or listen to the lyrics of a song in case their devil grasps a word and won't let it go. Vice like grip innit...
-If you have not sought medical advice please do so
- Don't run from your own head, it's attached to your neck and therefore always with you
- Don't believe the devil, he's fucking with you
- Go jogging, swimming, cycling, exercise is the best medicine and if you don't "feel like it", suck it up and go anyway
- You are what you eat - I know it is a cliche but this is true. If you eat greasy foods, you will feel yuck and that will directly transfer to your self-esteem and give the devil strength he doesn't deserve
-SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE DEVIL, HE IS NOT YOU!
- Read your symptoms in PRINT, get an OCD book, seeing it there on paper is such a relief! You are most certainly not nasty, you are good which is why you feel so ill.
- Maintain your moral code. Don't dissuade from it if you can because your ethics will keep the OCD in check. if you believe you are a forthright person your OCD has nothing to work with
- Alcohol is a depressant, yes Carla we know! Well just sayin...use yer noodle...if you feel less than ordinary you probably need to be stayin' away from the bar...x
LOVEbird xxx
p.s. You are IN and ARE the light, the darkness is jus tryin' to get all up in yo' face and steal your MOJO :)
It's been named "The Secret Illness" because oftentimes people who suffer with it are ashamed. The version which will be utmost in your mind right now is the physical washing of hands, the turning light switches on and off, the "don't step on a crack" version.
I look at this in three stages:
1. Obsessive thought - My hands are dirty
2. Compulsion to relieve obsession - Washing of hands a monitored number of times
3. Relief
However, my OCD works like this:
1. Obsessive thought which is so entirely repugnant I cannot go to 2.
2. the Compulsion is out of the question
3. No relief, I have to work through the high level anxiety until it subsides, this can take hours, days or weeks.
Doctors say that serotonin which gives us rationale is low in OCD patients, therefore the irrational suddenly becomes plausible. You KNOW it isn't real but your little devil on the shoulder in your mind is jumping up and down playing trampoline with your poor head. This is entirely exhausting.
I remember the exact moment when I first met the devil. I will not be giving devil a capital letter, he is unworthy, unloved and I like to poke and laugh at him wherever possible. I was sitting at my desk at work and a colleague had brought his children in to say hello. I was chatting and smiling at the kids, laughing at the cute-ness feeling like me, feeling normal, ha "normal", when a fleeting thought passed through my brain and got entirely stuck.
Stuck stuck, huh why is it not passing through?
It's not going anywhere, no it's not real tho, is it? It's not, is it??
Oh God is it??....repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat......
oh god I can't let it go, oh god oh god oh god,
what's happening to me? What's WRONG with me? Please stop , just stop, PLEASE.
I ran outside and leaned over a railing breathing in panicked gasps trying to get some air, gulping and pleading with my own head to stop, stop, I'll do anything if you just go away...but the little devil was just getting started...jumping up and down playing with my head, twanging all the unwelcome chords. Creating darkness so entirely absolute that I very quickly got shrowded in a heavy blanket of nausea which had no conclusion to it. No end in sight. Blind panic in the dark.
You can't run from yourself little Carla, you're a HORRIBLE PERSON. A silent scream from deep inside me as my worst fears were confirmed : You are not worthy of anything ever.
10 years ago this month of May was the most terrifying day of my life and whilst writing right now I still dissolve into frightened tears.
The reason it was so entirely terrifying is because I did not understand it, I had not heard of it and emotionally I liken it now to being punched in the face over and over. You try and reason with the bully but get nowhere and every time you manage to get on your feet, you get smashed again.
I was admitted to a psyche ward. I was 23. I hadn't slept for days, waves of anxiety causing me to shake intermittently. I sat peering through tired red eyes and unbrushed long blonde hair at the receptionist. A totally unwilling patient more frightened of herself than the unfamilar surroundings. An Angel (capital letter) sat by my side and didn't waver, my fiance at the time. I kept telling him to leave me there as he should find someone more worthy of his pureness of heart, I wasn't the 'good one' we both thought, I had discovered the real me and she wasn't good. He never listened once.
They gave me anti-psychotics then, moreso to give me a rest from my own head. I was an in-patient for 3 weeks and in that time I began to learn about my illness, the more I learned, the more I understood and the more I understood the less I panicked. I have a beautiful story about the first time I went back out into the "real world". My brother flew into Sydney from Melbourne so he could cuddle his "ickle sis" and reassure my mum and dad and my other brother in the UK that I was fighting the good fight. He walked into my room and I absolutely broke my heart because he immediately triggered my OCD and it was like someone stuck a knife in my stomach. The pain of a loved one having that effect on you is excruciating. I learnt that day to LET IT BE, you have to let it wash over you because trying to control or stop it will take you to a whole other level of panic. "Let it be", the Beatles song helps too :)
Well my beautiful story takes place in a restaurant not far from the hospital. Me and my brother and fiance went for dinner. As I was tea total I was ordered an apple and mint juice, absolutely delicious and still my R & R drink of choice. We ordered food and my brother declared we should celebrate the fact that I wasn't completely mad, just slightly. He ordered a pitcher of water and three glasses and there at the long table, with our noodles, juice and beer for the boys, we three, directed by my gorgeous brother, did celebratory "water shots", I laughed my lil arse off for the first time in weeks :-D. I want to thank you Simon for giving me a memory which serves me well whenever I go through bad spells. You will never fully comprehend how much I love and look up to you. I think I only began true recovery after that meal.
Whilst hospitalised briefly and on meds also briefly, I think the understanding of this "anxiety disorder" is key to living with it. I say living with it as I have it every single day but am able to let the thoughts be there without having a panic attack ( I am medication free). The way I do this is to depict these thoughts as a small gremlin (devil) sitting on my shoulder trying to trick me and i sometimes even tell him to Fuck off. Hey if it helps, do it.
I also remember that all of these thoughts which I find so abhorent are abhorent to me because I am GOOD, I'm a fabulous person, I LOVE LAUGH, LIVE every day and I will not apologise to anyone for who I am. Slowly does it, if you have the "secret illness" you may not believe this now but you will x
For the Joe Bloggs on the street reading this and asking what I'm on about, what thoughts? Why isn't she explaining? I won't be typing up the thought topics, they are dark and disturbing and no one needs them in their heads. They are simply a product of low serotonin and lack of self confidence and in my case have been there since childhood,( I believe I was 3 when I first showed symptoms but the shit didn't hit the fan until 20 years later). However, to give you an idea, think of the worst thing you can think of yourself...then make it seem plausible and start believing it.
So to help all those who suffer silently,those who walk calmly out of offices to gasp and panic alone in the ladies loo, sit on buses wanting to scream but remain composed until home, then dissolve onto the kitchen floor in tears, those who don't go to work for fear of triggering symptoms and those who cannot read, watch TV or listen to the lyrics of a song in case their devil grasps a word and won't let it go. Vice like grip innit...
-If you have not sought medical advice please do so
- Don't run from your own head, it's attached to your neck and therefore always with you
- Don't believe the devil, he's fucking with you
- Go jogging, swimming, cycling, exercise is the best medicine and if you don't "feel like it", suck it up and go anyway
- You are what you eat - I know it is a cliche but this is true. If you eat greasy foods, you will feel yuck and that will directly transfer to your self-esteem and give the devil strength he doesn't deserve
-SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE DEVIL, HE IS NOT YOU!
- Read your symptoms in PRINT, get an OCD book, seeing it there on paper is such a relief! You are most certainly not nasty, you are good which is why you feel so ill.
- Maintain your moral code. Don't dissuade from it if you can because your ethics will keep the OCD in check. if you believe you are a forthright person your OCD has nothing to work with
- Alcohol is a depressant, yes Carla we know! Well just sayin...use yer noodle...if you feel less than ordinary you probably need to be stayin' away from the bar...x
LOVEbird xxx
p.s. You are IN and ARE the light, the darkness is jus tryin' to get all up in yo' face and steal your MOJO :)
I cannot imagine what you have been through, we are all so unique and the Devil knows us so well. But it pleases me so very much to read you have found your light and now have the tools to keep that son-of-a-bitch where he belongs.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written and from the heart, I
am sure this will help others with your condition.
All our love
Steve Fossey, kath and esther
Hi Steve x Thank you so much. I am going to give to all the OCD charities. I hope it helps people. It's not widely known and needs to be seen as mainstream. The more it is known about the less likely patients and sufferers will feel out in the dark xxx
DeleteLOVE to you Kath and lil Esther girly xxx